Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we attempt to cobble together meaning using the hot glue of human cognition after reading Star, Us Weekly, OK!, Life Style and InTouch. This week, Lauren Conrad, a man and Pinterest were united in holy matrimony; Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling are going to enjoy a snow-gilt wedding ceremony in Canada; and CHAVRIL IS ON THE ROCKS. Let’s have a look.
PREGNANT AND HEADED TO PRISON
Teresa Giudice, the Real Housewife who is about to be sentenced after pleading guilty to fraud charges, is reportedly pregnant. ‘Kay. There are myriad reasons for her deciding to get pregnant now, says InTouch. One is that she wants a son. Another is that she could get a book deal for being pregnant in prison OR her own reality show deal (what a dream come true). On the negative side, pregnant women are treated deplorably in prison. This is a truly a gross story. In other news, the magazine attempted to decipher the gender of Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes’ baby by examining the overalls of a painter who visited their house for tell-tale nursery wall colors. The results were inconclusive. Good sleuthing attempt, though, I guess. Moving on: Justin Theroux loooooves Botox, but Jennifer Aniston is not allowed to use it because he thinks her face is “beautiful and iconic.” Who made him the goddamn forehead police? Next: Kim Kardashian is feuding with Beyoncé (I imagine Beyoncé does not care to feud back), and she thinks she’s really important because she won British GQ‘s Woman of the Year award, a made-up thing Beyoncé did not win. She also thinks Beyoncé is “fake.” Sure. Finally, Kendall Jenner is allegedly being bullied by fellow models, who put their cigarettes in her drink because they didn’t think it was fair that she was there. Uhhh. A lot of models are descended from famous humans; nepotism is a trend that NEVER GOES OUT. Maybe drinking cigs is a model trick none of us normals know about.
GRADE: F (a handmade merkin made from authentic human beard clippings)
DUMPED IN THE DELIVERY ROOM
Kourtney Kardashian, who is not scheduled to give birth until November, was not dumped in the delivery room. But, like, she could be! We don’t know the future! This article, like most tabloid articles on Kardashian Drama, mostly serves as a summary of their reality television program, which is nice because I haven’t been Keeping Up: Scott is having trouble with drinking and he is worried about all the responsibilities of being a new father, as he said on the teevee. Everyone is worried. The human condition is so frail and uncertain. Moving on: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are having a “HONEYMOON FROM HELL!” because they’re working on a movie together and the French locals are mad that they rented so many villas. Sounds disastrous. How will their relationship recover. Elsewhere in the magazine, Taylor Swift and Katy Perry’s “catfight” is examined, and it’s determined that it’s Taylor Swift’s fault. Okay. “Taylor ran out of guys to talk about, so she wrote a song about how mean Katy is,” says Katy’s “friend” (definitely an unaffiliated teen). Also, everyone is mad and jealous and heartbroken over Poncho’ed Nightmare John Mayer, says the magazine. Sure they are! Finally, Miley Cyrus has finally “hit rock bottom” for the 300th time because she enthusiastically smokes weed and also recently wore nipple pasties to a Fashion Week party. But nipple pasties are coming in this season! Smh no one gets Miley or her art or her nipples’ fashion outfits.
GRADE: D- (a bedazzled selfie stick)
I resent a lot of stuff about tabloids. I resent that they are not better at finding more interesting people to make up lies about, and I am also generally disappointed in the overwhelming lack of originality in their lies. This issue of Us Weekly is a glorious exception: IT CONTAINS EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS OF LAUREN CONRAD’S ARTISANAL WEDDING!!!! The affair was a polyamorous ceremony between Conrad, some guy named William Tell, and a tasteful Pinterest board. The theme was “apples.” There were antique handkerchiefs hanging on a frame because crafting. Also because of crafting, the aisle was “a burlap runner strewn with gilded eucalyptus leaves.” William Tell gifted LC with “an apple locket with a snippet from the menu on their first date.” The stuff of dreams. Moving on: Chris Martin is “in love” with Jennifer Lawrence. Also, Jennifer Lawrence has reportedly had a crush on Chris Martin since she was a teen — which really damages her cool girl cred, seeing as Chris Martin as a cultural figure is a wailing imp beloved only by lower-tier cool dads — but glad they’re happy. In much more harrowing news, Chavril is reportedly in danger of uncoupling. I gasped aloud when I read this, dear reader. Chad Kroeger has been telling people that he and Avril Lavigne are going to get a divorce. Nothing is beautiful and everything hurts. Goodnight, world. Elsewhere in the mag, Us Weekly has done a stunning investigation into the matter of Is Beyoncé Pregnant. It’s inconclusive, but it does include this beautiful description of staffers at a fancy hotel shielding Beyoncé and Jay Z from the press: “a lowly garden tarp was adapted into a disguise.” A lowly garden tarp! Just goes to show, even the lowliest of ground covers can do noble and good deeds for the world.
GRADE: A+ (antique handkerchiefs fluttering tastefully in their wooden frame in front of a rustic background. It is your wedding. Heidi Montag is not invited. Everyone loves your crafts.)
$110 MILLION DIVORCE SHOCKER
This is a prime example of a very boring and unoriginal lie: Reese Witherspoon and her husband, whoever he is, are maybe headed for divorce. They are, obviously, not actually getting divorced. But one time Reese Witherspoon went to an event without him! And they’re both really busy so, uh, they’re probably kinda mad about that!! This is a very, very boring story. Elsewhere in the magazine, Daryl Hannah is dubbed a “homewrecker” for breaking up Neil Young’s marriage of 36 years, which is a pretty unexpected story to come across in these hallowed pages. Daryl and Neil became close because of environmental activism, says a source. It’s where the seed of their love was planed. Moving on: Khloé Kardashian is worried that she will never find love after breaking up with French Montana. Cheer up, Khloé. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Kylie Jenner, teen, is allegedly dating rapper Tyga, who has a child and also used to be engaged to Kim Kardashian’s good friend. I do not think they are dating. Finally, Chunk from The Goonies got hot. And the kid from the Neverending Story got really into Scientology and grew a beard, and he now lives on a boat. Thus concludes your annual Child Star Update.
GRADE: F (a mason jar filled with balled-up photos of other mason jars)
In an article clearly written before the Internet began trembling and weeping with news of the Gosling baby, OK! says that Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling are planning to get secret-married in Canada “with the baby’s arrival mere days away.” An insider says that they will marry in Canada on New Years, with Eva clad in “a simple cream-tone shift with a faux-fur cloak, as it will be pretty cold.” PRO-TIP FOR MAKING YOUR BIZARRE CELEBRITY FANFICTION SOUND RELIABLE: going into very particular details like this makes you sound like you are making things up. In other news, Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert are living separate lives, which you are undoubtedly concerned about, and it’s taking a toll on their marriage. Okay. Elsewhere in the magazine, Ariana Grande is in touch with Harry Styles, and her boyfriend Big Sean is not happy about it, and the assorted teens of the Internet are not happy about it, and the Tumblrs devoted to Harry Styles’ secret relationship with Louis are not happy about it. The rest of this magazine is filled with Duggar news, a single photo of Ian Somerhalder and Nikki Reed kissing whilst clad in fedora-like hats and the unadulterated excrement of the human soul pondering why even bother being alive.
GRADE: F (Miley Cyrus playing with a magic loom without getting high first)
Hong Kong police fired teargas and launched baton charges as tens of thousands of pro-democracy protesters brought a central area of the city to a standstill late on Sunday.
The demonstrators, equipped with goggles and face masks to ward off teargas and pepper spray, flooded the streets around the government complex in Admiralty – a bustling commercial area in downtown Hong Kong – leading authorities to divert bus routes and shut down a subway station. They chanted for police to leave and for Leung Chun-ying, the city’s chief executive, to resign.
The stand-off continued into the early hours of this morning, with police clearing another group in Central but defiant protesters in Admiralty dispersing and then regrouping repeatedly. Volunteers barricaded roads and tried to block police from advancing by surrounding them, raising their hands in the air to show they would not attack. Smaller protests sprang up in the shopping district of Causeway Bay and in Mong Kok, Kowloon.
In a recorded statement, posted on a government website in the early morning, Leung reassured the public that the Chinese army would not intervene, as some had rumoured.
“I hope the public will keep calm. Don’t be misled by the rumours,” he said, urging everyone to return home. “We don’t want Hong Kong to be messy.”
Many members of the initial surge left late on Sunday night as the Hong Kong Federation of Students urged protesters to retreat, citing concerns that police might escalate their use of force. “Stay safe. This is a long battle,” it wrote on Twitter.
One member of a first aid team preparing to withdraw for the night said she feared police were ready to use “Beijing rules, not Hong Kong rules”. But thousands more remained at the scene at Admiralty.
The protest’s main organiser, Occupy Central with Peace and Love, has called for a new era of civil disobedience to protest against the government’s plans to tightly limit electoral changes, despite long-held promises that the city’s residents would be allowed to choose their own leader by 2017.
The demonstration was originally planned to begin later this week, but Occupy Central brought the protest’s starting date forward after a group of students, galvanised by a week of peaceful protest, invaded the city’s main government compound on Friday night. At least 34 people have been injured in the clashes, while nearly 80 people have been arrested since Friday.
Benny Tai, one of Occupy Central’s leaders, said the movement would continue until Leung resigned and Beijing changed its position on political reform.
As thousands of supporters gathered, Tai told the South China Morning Post: “It is totally unexpected … it’s all about our pursuit of democracy. Beijing now sees it; the world sees it; CY Leung, do you see it?”
Beijing has promised universal suffrage for the next chief executive election in 2017. But the framework it announced is so restrictive that it would effectively bar any democrat from standing – the two or three candidates will be vetted by a nominating committee composed largely of Beijing loyalists. Critics have called the arrangement a sham and an exercise in Iranian-style democracy.
The former British colony enjoys considerable autonomy under the “one country, two systems” framework, but many believe Beijing is intent on eroding its freedoms, such as independent courts and a free press.
Beijing has shown no sign of backing down. On Sunday evening, the central government’s Hong Kong and Macao Affairs Office condemned the protest as an illegal gathering, and expressed confidence that the Hong Kong government would “handle the Occupy Central movement according to law”, the state newswire Xinhua reported.
While some left as police fired teargas – a highly unusual tactic in Hong Kong – others appeared to have been galvanised by officers’ tactics. “The actions of the police are showing the public what a tyrannical government looks like,” said Bonnie Leung, 27.
The Hong Kong Professional Teachers’ Union announced it would strike on Monday in protest at police brutality. The Hong Kong Federation of Students also announced plans to indefinitely extend a week-long class boycott that began last Monday.
Stanley Chan, one of a group of 17-year-old friends who had just arrived, said: “They need us. They need more people to come out. We are worried, but we are not afraid.” The teenagers said their parents were concerned about the risks but supported their decision.
Most of those in the crowd appeared to be in their teens or their 20s and 30s, though older participants were present too – one middle-aged woman wiped her eyes with a damp towel as she recovered from the effects of teargas. They were good-tempered and at times well organised, with volunteers clearing the way for deliveries of water bottles to thirsty protesters.
Rachel Lam, one of the volunteers proffering rolls of plastic wrap for those in need of impromptu eye shields, said: “When I watched TV this afternoon, I was so furious, I came to support the students and protesters.”
The 35-year-old teacher was pessimistic about the prospects of the stand-off ending peacefully, and said the wider community in Hong Kong was still split over the issue. “In my family, my mother doesn’t support this. She didn’t allow me to come here, but I told her it was my responsibility,” she added.
But many of those present said they would probably have to go to work on Monday rather than protesting.
Michael Davis, a professor at Hong Kong University who was present during the clashes, said: “If there’s violence out of Occupy Central, it will be because the government is heavy-handed. We are talking about a society that has lived under freedom, a free press, and free markets for as long as they can remember. Now they are told they are going to have some kind of ‘mainland style’ democracy.”
In a statement released in the early hours, Hong Kong police said that officers had exercised restraint and acted in a highly professional manner.
It added: “Police urge the protesters to stay calm, and stop charging police cordon lines and occupying the main roads, so that the roads can be reopened to emergency and public vehicles.”
Officers appeared to be expecting a long night, with scores sleeping on the floors of a concrete overpass and an office and shopping complex.
WINNIPEG, Manitoba, Sept. 28, 2014 (GLOBE NEWSWIRE) — Southglen Veterinary Hospital announced that they are now using Petly to track pet vaccine records, prescriptions, and pet health. Pet owners complete a brief registration process to activate their secure account using their email address. Once the registration process is complete, pet owners can then login at home to view their pet’s vaccine records and request prescription refills. The new electronic record keeping system will put a pet’s health records at a pet owner’s fingertips and reduce the hassle associated with prescription refills or missed vaccinations, says veterinarian Dr. Sra.
Winnipeg veterinarians Dr. Sra, Dr. Tait, Dr. Drain, Dr. Blankvoort and Dr. Capao are leading the charge to make pet care information easily accessible for all pet owners. The veterinarians at Southglen Veterinary Hospital are now offering pet owners access to Petly, an online service that tracks a pet’s veterinary records, vaccination history, medications, and more.
“Petly makes pet care easier and more efficient for pet owners,” said Dr. Sra. “In addition to tracking health information, Petly also includes helpful appointment reminders, like when a pet is due for a vaccination booster. This makes it easier to stay on top of your pet’s health.”
Dr. Sra noted that keeping pets up to date on their vaccinations is one area where even the best-intentioned pet owners may fall behind.
The doctor added, “Pet owners may not realize when a pet is due for a vaccination booster or miss the reminder card in the mail; this leaves pets exposed and vulnerable to possible infection. Now with Petly, these appointment reminders are fully automated. And if a pet is running low on medication, pet owners can quickly log in and request a refill. It’s easy, streamlined, and truly puts pet care first.”
Petly also includes pet care news updates as well as tips and tricks that are customized based on a pet’s breed and age.
“Petly is the full package and we are excited to be one of the first animal hospitals in Winnipeg to be offering this service to our clients,” said Dr. Tait.
In addition to Petly, the Winnipeg animal hospital offers a number of high-tech services for pet owners, including online appointment scheduling and online forms. The online forms are especially popular with new clients, says Dr. Drain, since it reduces time in the waiting room and allows the forms to be completed in the comfort of a client’s home or office.
“We know pet owners are busy, and our goal with these services, including Petly, is to streamline pet care,” said Dr. Capao. “With Petly, we’re keeping all important information in one, centralized location for easy access at any time.”
Southglen Veterinary Hospital offers annual wellness exams, vaccinations, pet surgery, veterinary dental care, and more.
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Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are ready to welcome their first baby, but Life Style is reporting that the actress may have already given birth at home “out of the public eye.” While it’s clear from from photos of her giant baby bump that Mila could be just days away from giving birth, Gossip Cop states that Life Style’s report about Mila delivering the couple’s first child home is completely false, and that the magazine’s story is totally misleading.
Sources tell Gossip Cop that the story about Kunis giving birth at home is “100 percent false” and no, the baby has not arrived yet. Photographs of Mila taken on Wednesday prove that she is still very pregnant, with E! Online posting photos of a very pregnant Mila out shopping with a friend at Target on Wednesday.
Kunis’ shopping cart was loaded up with what appeared to be baby girl’s clothing, fueling more rumors that Ashton and Mila are will soon be welcoming a daughter into their lives. Of course, they’ve kept everything from the due date to the sex of their baby under wraps, so all of the baby gossip is strictly hearsay.
What is very clear is that Ashton is excited for his baby son or daughter to arrive. On Wednesday night, he tweeted a photo and the words, “Nesting…Too much?” The picture was of a slew of toys, including a large collection of stuffed animals.
Nesting…. Too much? pic.twitter.com/5wXn8SdjXT
— ashton kutcher (@aplusk) September 24, 2014
For those trying to figure out if they were toys for a girl or a boy, unfortunately they were gender neutral, confirming that Ashton and Mila are trying to keep as much personal information about their baby away from the public as possible.
E! Online reports that Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are as ready as can be, with sources close to the couple stating that the nursery is ready, and they are “excited” and “just waiting” for their new baby make to arrive. Kutcher has also been making “dry-runs to the hospital” to see how long it will take them to get there when the big day arrives.
[Photos: E! Online, NPG.com]
Greek experts have rejected reports that a woman, alleged to have woken in her grave and cried for help – only to die before she could be disinterred – was alive when she was buried.
After examining the woman’s body, forensic pathologists said it showed no signs of suffocation as suggested by witnesses who said they heard banging and muffled shouts when they visited an adjacent grave on Thursday.
“There was no sign of death by asphyxiation in the coffin,” said Matthaios Tsougas, one of two coroners who conducted the autopsy. “The hour of death was early Thursday morning, which corresponds with what was written on the death certificate.”
The tests were ordered after gravediggers alerted to the commotion frantically began extracting the coffin at a cemetery in the northern town of Perraia. But by the time the body had been removed, doctors who had rushed to the scene pronounced the woman dead.
“When the ambulance arrived, gravediggers were still throwing dirt off the grave. As soon as the body was exhumed a cardiogram was conducted that confirmed the woman was dead,” Chrissi Matsikoudi, the emergency services doctor who examined the corpse, was quoted as saying.
“The body was in a state of rigor mortis … it is impossible that only a short time before the deceased had been crying for help when we found her in [that] state,” she said. “Her eyes, it is true, were open but the coroner can give an explanation for that. As far as her mouth is concerned, I cannot say it was open, it was relaxed.”
Witnesses reported seeing the body of the unidentified woman with her arms raised, and told the Greek media they believed she had died of asphyxiation.
The 49-year-old mother-of-two had been buried in a funeral attended by family members barely an hour before. She had been declared dead earlier in the day by doctors at a private clinic in nearby Thessaloniki, northern Greece’s capital. “A cardiogram has rendered it certain that the patient above is no longer alive,” concluded a medical announcement released to the press.
But Nikos Dialynas, a lawyer representing the woman’s family, said his clients believed she had come out of a coma after being buried. The relatives were now considering filing a complaint against the physicians who had treated her.
“We have the testimonies of three people, who are not related to the deceased and which are serious and very concrete [in detail],” he said. “They include an employee who worked at the cemetery. They hadn’t escaped from some psychiatric hospital nor were they [suffering], optically or acoustically, from delusions. What they say is very plain, very clear.”
Police contacted by the Guardian said the forensic pathologists would conduct an autopsy to determine the exact time of the woman’s death.
“A second coroner will also be present for reasons of impartiality,” said a police officer in Thessaloniki. “This is the first time in living memory that a body has been exhumed because, rightfully or wrongfully, the person is believed not to have died. It is a very particular case and we have launched an investigation.”
In a statement following the post-mortem, the coroners said the woman’s open eyes were “a natural reaction of the human body in death.”
Dear Porky and Buddy,
Help! My cat needs expensive surgery to correct a problem from an injury that occurred before I rescued him. I just can’t afford the whole bill right now.Can the Humane Society help me?
We have talked about this problem before, but it doesn’t hurt to update this important information as programs change all the time.
Here at the Humane Society, we frequently get calls from pet owners or their vets about animals in need of expensive veterinary care that the owners truly cannot afford. When our finances permit, we try to help by covering a small portion of the expense, but we prioritize our limited funds toward improving our spay/neuter clinic program and caring for homeless and abandoned animals.
We are happy, therefore, to provide the following list of programs whose priority is helping pet owners with these kinds of veterinary expenses.
We have not tried to access any of these services as they are intended for individuals, not animal welfare groups.
But we hope they are helpful to you and that you will pass this list on. or, better yet, let us know if you find a helpful program.
First go to the HSUS or the Best Friends Animal Society for general information and links about financial assistance for veterinary care.
CareCredit, offers no fee, interest free loan plans (for periods up to 36 months) with a low monthly payment for veterinary medicine. These plans can be very helpful and are much lower in costs than credit cards, bank loans, etc. They also offer loans for longer periods at a rate of 14.9% interest. You need to ask your veterinary hospital if they participate. If not the care credit website lists participating veterinarians.
Shamrock Animal Fund
The Shamrock Animal Fund helps pet owners pay for veterinary assistance on a case by case basis in Syracuse and Central New York.
The RedRover Relief program provides financial and emotional support to Good Samaritans, animal rescuers and pet owners to help them care for animals in life-threatening situations and resources to help victims of domestic violence escape abusive environments with their pets.
The Pet Fund
Provides financial assistance to owners of domestic animals who need veterinary care. Owners need to complete an application and funding agreement and provide proof of income. Vets will have to sign a waiver and provide an estimate of treatment costs. They advise you to call first (916) 443-6007. Grants are capped at $500.
We hope one of these works out for you.
In the meantime, stay healthy by coming to Every Dog Has Its Day on October 19 at Fallbrook Recreation Center – the annual 5K Run/Walk and 1 Mile Family Walk and People and Pets Celebration.
Sign in starts at 11 a.m. and it’s much smoother and less expensive if you pre-register.
Find out more and sign up at http://www.oswegohumane.org/
The Oswego County Humane Society provides spay/neuter services and assistance, fostering and adoption of animals in urgent need, humane education programs, and information and referrals to animal lovers throughout Oswego County.
Our office is located at 265 W. First St., Oswego, NY.
Phone: (315) 207-1070.
Because People and Pets Are Good for Each Other!
(CNN)- Sarah Hyland has received a temporary restraining order against her ex-boyfriend, Matthew Prokop. In a sworn statement obtained by TMZ the star said quote “I was scared and in fear for my life.” The couple split in August after dating for 5 years. Prokop’s reps did not return CNN’s request for comment.
(CNN)- We are getting our first glimpse of Paul Walker in his final role. Vin Diesel shared this photo on Facebook, it’s of himself with the late actor in a scene from “Fast and Furious 7.” Walker died in a car crash last November. It happened during a break in filming. The latest movie in the action franchise will hit theaters April 3rd.
(CNN)- “The Situation” is in a sticky situation with Uncle Sam. Former Jersey Shore star Michael Sorrentino is facing several charges for tax crimes. A federal indictment alleges the reality TV personality and his brother did not properly pay taxes on the 8.9 million dollars he made for promotional activities. Sorrentino’s lawyer says he believes there is no basis to prove the star did anything criminally wrong.
Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we grapple with the storied and horrible mythical beasts known as Star, Us Weekly, OK!, Life Style and InTouch. This week: Jennifer Lopez’s exes might write a tell-all alleging that she sacrifices chickens; the Duggars dispense some deplorable sex and love advice; and Kylie and Kendall Jenner are at war.
Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi are having a baby. We know this because Portia “appears to have gained about 10 lbs.” and is also “glowing.” Also, a photo exists of Ellen touching Portia on the stomach, meaning that all the signs have aligned. Apparently, the couple picked an unnamed (NOT FAMOUS) sperm donor who was “well educated and charitable, with few health issues in his family.” Why couldn’t the editors just make up that Lenny Kravitz was going to be the sperm donor, like in that recent tabloid story about Queen Latifah? This is lazy gossip-mongering. I am disappointed. In other news, the young woman whose butt was groped by Robin Thicke has come forward with her story, in case you had lingering questions about it. She says that she met the disgraced former Leighton Meester back-up singer at a party; shortly after, he led her to a dark back room, where they had sex. “Minutes after their copulation,” as Star puts it, he introduced her to his wife all smug-like. Robin Thicke is a big dick, etc. Moving on: Rihanna spends $25k a week on her hair, according to a source. “She has a team of experts around the clock to cater to her every hairstyle whim,” says the informant. Literally anyone in her position would do the same. The American dream is spending $100,000 a month on luxurious wigs. Finally, Mila Kunis is going to give birth any day now, which means it’s high time for a story about how Demi Moore is teetering on the brink of emotional collapse, not to mention old. Here is the thesis statement of this piece: “With Ashton’s impending fatherhood, she feels like she’s too old to find that kind of love again.” ‘Kay. Whatever.
GRADE: F (Medusa in a selfie sombrero)
DELIVERY ROOM DRAMA!
There is no delivery room drama, but Mila Kunis is 9 months pregnant. Other celebrities are pregnant as well, prompting a three-page spread entitled “HOLLYWOOD BABY BOOM.” Facts gleaned from this informative article include: Kourtney Kardashian’s doctor is encouraging her to let Scott Disick pull her third child from out of her as a bonding thing, I guess?; Hayden Panettiere drinks a lot of Sprite, which is a habit she keeps secret from the world; Rachel Bilson likes flowers. Riveting stuff. Next: Prince Harry and Cressida Bonas are back together. They went on a date to the movie “Sex Tape,” which, like, come on. You own castles, man. You don’t need to be doing that. On the bright side, this article contains the single most beautiful sentence I’ve ever read in a tabloid: “Their once cold romance is reheating faster than crumpets in a microwave!” Someone PLEASE call the Pulitzer committee. And be sure to mention to them this sentence, which was in a story about how Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger are having marital difficulties: “Just weeks earlier, Avril had gushed on Instagram over a 17-carat diamond ring Chad bought her for their first anniversary. The photo has since been deleted — and their marriage may soon be too.” THIS IS THE BEST WRITING IN THE WORLD. And let us close with a pretty boring rumor to get everyone’s heart rate back to normal after all that stunning prose: Allison Williams wants to quit Girls because she wants to be a star and/or have a baby. Allegedly, Lena wouldn’t want a pregnancy interfering with the show. Idk. A baby on Girls could be cool. They could have a plot line about it applying for internships and another one about how the baby and Adam keep pooping their pants in unison.
GRADE: B (one of the less popular Neopets)
OUR RULES FOR LOVE SEX
This cover story on the Duggars’ rules for love and sex is just as ghastly as one would expect it to be. Every pre-marriage rule is a variation on the terrifying theme of “Do not ever think about sex. Your body is a fleshy cage of vices and you must not ever trusted to be alone with it.” Here are some highlights: “Before the first date, the singles and parents agree on rules that rein in raging hormones”; “The girls agree being alone with guys puts them in ‘moral danger'”; “Chest-to-chest contact is strictly forbidden until ‘I do.'” But once they are married, the girls are expected to be constantly sexually available — Rule 7: “ONCE YOU’RE WED, GET BUSY OFTEN.” “Duggar women don’t get headaches,” says Us. As in, they never feign illness to get out of sex because that’s not an option for them. In the words of Duggar Mom, “You always need to be available when he calls.” (“And prepared for the results,” adds the mag — “My mom has a bunch of pregnancy tests at her house!” says Jill Duggar.) So, just to reiterate: the Duggars are forbidden from making bodily contact with men until married, but after marriage they must be willing to have sex whenever their husbands want. And all of this is presented in cheery, blithe tabloid-speak as though it’s at all normal or acceptable. I have seen such festering piece word-detritus in my life; I hope the Rat King builds his fortress out of it once I throw it out. The rest of the magazine’s pages are filled with news that is either immensely boring or stuff we’ve heard before: Jennifer Lawrence went to a Coldplay show and “was spotted in the VIP section putting her hand over her heart when her rocker boyfriend, 37, took the stage,” which is Peak Uncool. George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin: still getting married. She will wear a dress. There will be a party. Sick. And, uh, Nick Jonas’ girlfriend gave him a box of cigars for his birthday. Thanks for the update.
GRADE: F- (whatever loathsome creature is lurking in the collective subconscious of the Duggar family)
A BABY AT LAST
Oh, my God, Jennifer Aniston is having a baby at last. I haven’t been this excited since three weeks ago, when I read that she was having a baby at last. This definitely fabricated “Jennifer Aniston is having a baby” tale differs from all the identical ones that have preceded it because it alleges she’s adopting, not pregnant. Twist!!! (It was a big decision because she didn’t want people to think she was copying Angelina Jolie, the only other woman to have ever adopted a child, but she’s managing.) Elsewhere in the magazine, the editors ponder why Eva Mendes went into hiding throughout her pregnancy and immediately after. Why didn’t she and Ryan Gosling display their infant to the world, like Rafiki atop Pride Rock at the beginning of The Lion King? Why didn’t they SnapChat us all a pic of the newborn babe? “Eva’s a deeply private person to begin with,” says Life Style. Oh. There’s your answer. Moving on: Kendall and Kylie Jenner are at war because Kendall is more famous and Kylie “doesn’t really have anything” and is stuck “passing her time posing selfies.” Okay, that is way harsh. She is also in a teen sex cult, in case you forgot!!! Anyway, to put this sad sibling rivalry in Kardashian terms, their “brand is broken.” RIP, brand. You will be missed. In other news, Jennifer Lopez’s exes have all become friends, and, in a gender-revered John Tucker Must Die sort of thing, they could maybe write a tell-all about her. The tell-all could make them $50 million, says some guy who does not have any evidence that said tell-all will ever come into fruition. But they could reveal some nasty secrets, hints the magazine, including the fact that “J. Lo secretly practices religious rituals of Santeria — including sacrificing chickens! That’s the last thing her image needs.” WHAT. Is that even the last thing her image needs? I am not sure how to respond to this, other than saying that it’s not illegal to sacrifice animals in religious ceremonies in the United States, so let us live.
GRADE: D (a minotaur that haunts the aisles of Ikea, preying upon you only when you are at your most disoriented and confused. Mostly by the shelves where they keep all the wood bits, I would say.)
NASTY $250M DIVORCE
Kim and Kanye’s marriage is on the rocks. According to a source, they had a massive fight during a “romantic night in” at Kanye’s house (is the source Baby North? Does an InTouch informant live in their walls? Maybe!). During the fight, Kim reported said that it’s unfair that she’s expected to follow Kanye around the world; Kanye responded that “he has an obligation to his art and asking him to set that aside is cruel and a crime against humanity.” Fair enough? From this kind of innocuous premise, though, the article quickly veers into the realm of just horrible: a psychiatrist who has never treated Kanye before diagnoses him with narcissistic personality disorder in a side bar that’s titled “IS KANYE CRAZY?” and the magazine accuses Kim of “embarrassing him once again” for having her nude photos stolen. Yeah, because that was totally her fault. Elsewhere in the magazine, “exclusive” photos show Mama June looking a bit grumpy while Sugar Bear hangs his head. TELLING SIGNS OF A BREAKUP. A grainy and definitely staged picture is worth 1,000 words, as the saying goes. In other news, Robin Thicke needs to go to rehab for drinking. “Robin, sources say, is lost.” Moving on, Mila Kunis had to part ways with her doula, Ashton Kutcher’s twin’s wife, because the Kutcher twin and her ended their marriage. That is quite an unconventional tabloid story, good work keeping it fresh, inTouch. Finally, the magazine made an infographic of various celebrities at high school outlining what their roles would be. In “THE HONOR ROLL,” we are told, Jennifer Lawrence and Chloe Grace Moretz are members of the drama club. In “THE OUTCASTS” section, we learn, Kristen Stewart and Selena Gomez belong to the Coachella club. I… don’t think that is a club. Who knows, though. Teens these days are wild and unpredictable.
GRADE: F (the conniving matriarch of a Baba Yaga family with its own reality tv show)